Monday, February 27, 2006


Tuesday, February 14, 2006
8:46:06 PM

Anonymity is a good thing…it makes one guess a while…and the moment you think you know this person, that very moment you begin to doubt that it’s someone else…and the funniest part is, u become absolutely independent of social stereotyping…

Whenever we know it’s a girl or a guy writing, our brain automatically blinds us with some preconceived notions…it’s pretty complicated and interesting…but dear Mr. Anonymous…ahhem…arrrm…Ms Anonymous (no other connotations hidden here), you seem to be keen on kicking me out from your country…don’t worry, there are plenty of able and devoted citizens out here literally kicking me hard reminding me that I actually don’t belong here…and that I am simply a guest…so I should limit myself to the boundaries of guest-hood…

“I am living in a foreign country
But I am bound to cross the line”
- Bob Dylan

It feels a bit weird being a guest, cos’ you know your host will whisper separately with other members of the family about what food to offer…

There are also other interesting ways people treat me here as a guest. Some of them think for no apparent reason or incident that I am a big attention-seeker…well who isn’t? But on the contrary, I am not really a person who would feel comfortable with a lot of attention…I just feel better if I can be with a small close knit of friends, which seems to be a bit difficult here except for a few exceptions…I believe in intimate close friendships and it gets a bit hard for me to maintain light passing companionship with too many people…I am not too social…I find it hard to believe if a ‘friend’ remarks rudely “nobody-wants-to-hear-you-here”…I mean what kind of a friend would say “nobody-wants-to-hear-your-story”…but this world is a strange place, perhaps such behavior is allowed in friendship…what can I say, may be I haven’t been able to come out of the cocoon of high school and I still live in the delusion that friends are…forget it, who cares anyway?

But really, what kind of a ‘friend’ would say such a thing?

“Good friends we have
For good friends we’ve lost
Along the way…”
- Bob Marley

I need to put a disclaimer right at this point about a previous post of mine:

I seriously don’t have anything against Indians as might have been wrongly portrayed in my earlier post “Indians…”. Things said in the post were simply repercussions of a chain of frivolous events that happened to revolve around my little yet disastrous world. It’s just that I have gone through immense pressure due to prejudices held against Bangladeshis by many people here who have subtly hurt me in various ways…I don’t feel like a guest here, I almost feel like an intruder. But I am not one of those intruders who are living here illegally like many others, which is why I have to go through extreme scrutinizing sessions and checking while I cross the border. I am asked for bribe both in the Indian and the Bangladeshi customs…see any difference between the two? Only that I am compelled to bribe the Indian customs for no apparent reason, I mean I don’t carry smuggling goods or anything, I barely have my money to survive; but I question a hell lot in the Bangladesh customs office, I don’t pay a single buck there even if I am held up…and I make sure to insult them as much as I can until I get their names down and threat them a bit and somehow finally step into my country…But then, I never hurt anyone here saying them how corrupted their government offices are, and likewise I don’t appreciate it if anyone hurts me by pointing out the faults of my country. I already know what our failings are…and nobody likes to suffer from prejudices held against them…

My point was not about how well anyone can speak or write in English…that’s bullshit and outright hilarious, at least at a cosmic level…I just meant to put forth an instance of how Indians (not every Indian though) feel unwarranted prejudices against Bangladeshis…and generally think very low of us…when we are only neighbors and barely have enough differences between us…

When I was in school some communal elements used to tease me by saying that I am Indian…that my home is in India and not in Bangladesh…that being a Hindu by birth entitles me to be in India…but I had so many other good friends who outnumbered those communal elements…and now that I am having to incidentally live here in India, I feel like an intruder…I like to put this in true Shah Rukh Khan fashion, “Arey hum tho kahika nahi raha”…well excuse my Hindi grammar…I pray you all not to judge all the people of a nation by their government…look deeper, you will find more things in common than differences…It’s interesting how I defended India whenever anyone wrongly said anything bad about anything here, and now that I am here, I am having to face all these misconceptions about my own country, that have sown the seeds of prejudices in some of the people of India…incredibly ironic…who am I defending anyway???

Maybe I am a cause-hungry person, never mind the effect…


Friday, January 27, 2006
11:36:44 PM

I have got some hideous books piled up beside my bed:
Computer Architecture and Organization – by Hayes
Digital Logic and Computer Design – by Morris M. Mano
Data Structures using C and C++ - by Tenenbaum et al
Operating System Concepts – by Galvin et al
Computer Architecture and Organization – by Morris M. Mano
Electronic Devices and Circuits – by David A. Bell
Discrete Mathematics and its Application – by Rosen

I so wish there were Microbiology, Genetics and Evolution, Physiology and Cytology books instead. But what’s the use? I have lost any residual urge for studying nowadays. I HATE THIS EDUCATION SYSTEM. Period.

If you call it any system, that is… A system has three parts: input, process and output, which this so-called system evidently lacks. People just expect loads and loads of output with negligible input. Or rather negative input. Negative input is when teachers misinform you and eradicate all elements of interest from the topic.

I am not confused. I have never really been confused. I am so definite now, that studying is not for me… I always had an aim… and I still do. I know exactly what I want from life. It’s just that I can’t have it, at least for the time being… I am just waiting for the day I would blurt out to every wannabe mentors in this college: DO NOT DARE TRY TO TEACH ME WITH SUCH LOUSY TECHNIQUE AND YOUR PEA-SIZED, STAGNANT, DULL, INFERTILE BRAINS!!!

I am at my wit’s end…and I am also at my servitude’s end! I am wasting my life with this useless BSc Computer Science…with Honours! With fucking Honours!!! Why am I doing this? Just cos I am poor and I need to earn good amount of money, do I really have to do this?

So from now, I have to start doing what suits me best… I am going to be brave and foolish enough to spit at the very face of this dying system. I am going to march into the unknown, armed with…well, nothing! And that’s how I am gonna reach my goal. At least I would be Don Quixote and not Sancho Panza. I don’t mind being Rip Van Winkle or Jack The Ripper either!

Outlaw is the code name...

This farcical pressure of exams is ringing bells that it’s time. Time to quite. Break all ties. Break all artificial, meaningless bondages… and follow the Rabbit! And see where it takes me…