Rushing Thoughts

Friday, September 02, 2005
9:13:41 PM
I am a number 4 person…no, no, no I don’t mean I am cunning, deceptive or live illicitly (although I am not sure if I haven’t done anything I ought not to do or not)...Its just that I was born on the 4th of a certain month…so I am a number 4 person, or so it seems...according to Cheiro...which makes me very much fated to destiny...even if a little less definitely than number 8 people, which makes them painfully fated to destiny...but all the same, the letters of my name makes me a number 8 person...so there u go again! Try harming me any time, u will be successful, guaranteed...but wait! Why would anybody harm me for no reason...or even if they wanted to, why would they buy my invitation??? Well then, try that for a good cause- such as crane me away as human subject for research on regenerating nerve cells…cut up my spine and extract all those fluid and nerve fibers, ultra-centrifuge them, or dispose them off to CERN and keep your fingers crossed till my cells give rise to anti-particles in the humongous synchrotron, do anything...u will surely be crowned with the Nobel Prize.

I don’t know what Destiny has in store for me...well, duh! Nobody does…but it leaves me awestruck when I find myself ‘destined’ to take up this surprisingly alien subject (at least for me) instead of Genetics, Medicine or the like, of which I was so sure of landing myself into...nothing intrigues me more than a karyotype of a trisomy 21 Down’s syndrome human cell or the microscopic photograph of blood containing cancerous cells...or even the physiology of the Nervous System… “The” nervous system…Heavens! How much I revere what I passionately love to study about...and oh the microscopic devils: Salmonella typhi causing typhoid; Candida albicans causing Candidiasis (commonly known as ‘thrush’) in humans…and hence associated with commensalism…I don’t even care if people think I am trying to ‘jahir’ (couldn’t find the English word for that! I won’t even apologize for that) my knowledge by naming all these organisms...(by the way, I just remembered a sickly pathetic joke some hooligans cracked about hearing “orgasm” when I was talking about “organism” in the biology class in school...u can laugh your heads off too and sign the hooligan membership)...so as I was saying...or rather rambling on and on...right, RNA retroviruses, involved in both AIDS and Cancer…and a rare symptom, Kaposi’s Sarcoma, a certain tumor seen in people with HIV positive...And those lovely variety of proteins, I was mostly interested in tropocollagen and tertiary structures, which include the haemoglobin molecule...and all that...huh, I am hungry for more details, but who cares! (hey wait! I forgot the organism causing tuberculosis...I know now, that’s exactly why I’m not into Bio anymore...WHAT A LAME EXCUSE!)

I wish I knew somebody, anybody (straight, gay, lesbian…with special preference to all three), as passionate as I am about biology...anybody out there in this vast web of virtual insanity, trapped in dossiers with fancy names such as Cookies, History and Temp, addicted to Biology? (This is cheapstake beckoning, just like the ones who call up Jimmy every Friday after midnight in some forlorn FM station to put their pseudo-sensitive, artless, so-called ‘feelings’ on air...and not to mention the even cheaper beckoning (or coaxing?) of the jockey to the listeners to pour out their pseudo-tales of woes and ‘feelings’...squeezing water out of hard rock)

Now, I am tired of the nested brackets I am delving all ye mortals to strain your eyes into…speaking of mortals, I always felt that there are always immortals at any given time, prying into blogs and chat rooms…I definitely had such a feeling of déjà vu when I entered into this oddly named chat room in MSN years back...yes, when they still let us mortals this side of the planet to log on to MSN chat rooms...and I was sure they were not mortals, cos they had electronic and/or lord-of-the-rings-and-mortal-combat genre of nicks and they talked in a language I had no way of comprehending, albeit they were in English...the language of the colonizers...But anyway, I miss access to those chat rooms cos I used to be a regular chatterbox at a room named “Philosophy” at one point of time...not that people talked of Bertrand Russell or Socrates...plain simple people, simply chatting...no slang, no stupidity whatsoever...they had disciplined Bots, and even cared to give their Bot-ship away to other deserving people joining the room. I remember explaining to a Swedish what “shon papri” sweets look and taste like...hay-like and all, grainy and sugary, with a soft crunchy feel on your tongue...And then there was this chat room where a middle-aged guy talked of a book called the Matrix with its url, which has the same theme and philosophy as in the movie, but not the movie itself...he also advised me that it wasn’t healthy for nature to let births to babies in “the matrix” cos in “reality” there are not many souls...most of them are rotten, exhausted and don’t want to enter the Matrix, i.e. be born in our eyes, which is embedded in Maya. The man showed me his picture, which I had no reason to believe as his...and even if he was being true, I couldn’t care...but anyway, the picture was weird...he had certain kind of eyes which compelled me to think of those aliens lurking inside human-skin in the movie Men In Black...He might have been an alien, who knows...I am an alien too, to some could-be creatures in Epsilon Eridani and also to the homo-sapiens of this planet...if NASA keeps secret documents of homo sapiens living in outer space, to them too...


Monday, September 05, 2005
7:52:11 PM
This is a strange planet...it indeed is...people are busy spreading anxiety and bad vibes all around. It gives them immense pleasure to keep asking questions...and mind you, not any important questions like “Why do we all exist at all?”...but it’s more like: who fucked who...I am compelled to quote a few lines from my diary:

This is all so weird…the whole damn idea of existence. When we are so illiterate about all these enigma, we fight over simple matters and turn the whole life into an albatross. People blame each other, they are too poky, and both dictated at and dictating themselves. The equilibrium of yin and yang seems too dull a concept. I mean, it isn’t that simple; can’t be. The Cosmos is filled with mysteries to be unraveled and we spend our whole lives solving the non-mysterious and idiotic social problems. It’s all a big farce! It all is…(7th June’ 2004)

I don’t know how I succeeded in building up a fiery image of myself in front of many people...I mean, am I really hot-tempered? Have I not been extremely unlucky? Some even think I am outright devilish and a culprit, and worst of all, that doesn’t even make me famous! It’s like Laden (as in Osama bin Laden, no pun intended) without any publicity...Some think I am dumb and stupid, which is a big relief...that way, I don’t have to live up to any expectations...If somebody asks me, “Why couldn’t you do it?” or “Why are you behaving like that?”, I can manage a broad grin and say, “Remember I am dumb and stupid???” I also have a good laugh when I think of some who fall into my trap and go beyond their limits to establish that I am dumb and stupid...I can give a censored version of an instance:
“Are you interested in PEEEEEEEEEP?”
“No, I don’t really understand...I am so dumb...hehe”
“Oh yah (somebody else goes on)...she doesn’t know a PEEP about PEEP...and she is PEEP(dumb) and PEEP(stupid)...well, blah blah blah PEEP PEEP...she peeps peep from peep...”

Anyway, some people are so lucky that they can spare time for such a foolish pursuit...Meanwhile I will get back to my Tarot cards and eventually to Galvin...I need to plan ahead, you see...lest I tumble and topple one more time for the n+1th time like The Fool...which I surely will...again!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005
5:55:40 PM
I keep asking the same question myself over and over again...I mean this whole business of life and being born...The first things I remember when I gained consciousness into this world were two vivid memories of my childhood. I remember once when my mother came home from Calcutta (where she went for her dissertation) after 7 days, I was pretty mad at her...but at that time, I hadn’t developed much of a vocabulary...I remember her bringing to the bed where she rested while I kept on pulling her hairs so as to hurt her and cried out of anguish...and second, I remember once running just out of a bath naked and suddenly this strange feeling of embarrassment enshrouded me...I don’t know how I got the feeling...I was just a kid, and there were no signs of maturity both in my mind or physically.I also remember clearly climbing on the stairs of the flat we were living and at the very last step my mother caught me and brought me down...she came to me as silent as a tigress to her prey...I was climbing the stairs without anybody’s knowledge to the forbidden rooftop, without any railings...

I shouldn’t have been born...With all the mess around me... “You have a messed up life” they say...And I read somewhere that the feelings associated during conception determines from which cosmic channel a soul would be born in this world of Maya...I guess that did it...I don’t think I come from a very high level of cosmic channel...no wonder, my whole means of existence is a big question mark.

But there’s no end to my dreaming big, far and wide...I sometimes savor the thought of living in a house all by myself...I would have a bedroom with attached study room and of course nature’s call has to be answered nearby with style and décor...the dining would be with a couch and a TV, with an espresso machine at one corner and a smuggled guitar...and of course the kitchen, although my culinary skills would only compel me to visit the MacDonald’s more often than not (carcinoma would have just about no problem in finding their way through my blood stream).

I want a reading lamp...and the study would overflow with all the books I have bought and want to buy...I would own a bike...as in a bicycle...so that I can go off anywhere at a moment’s notice, putting the nice helmet on my head...I would always have a backpack ready with all the dire necessities, including a compass and an atlas, and maps and cash...and of course, Patrick Moore’s guide for star watchers...my star dial...My stock of pencils, pens and markers should never run out...and paper too...lots of fancy envelopes...and more papers still...And the telescope...yes, it has to be there...without it, life would be so bleak and unfinished...and a microscope, that too...the telescope would be mounted at the rooftop...and the microscope in the study, just near a centrifuge machine...and slides, petri dishes, beakers, graduated pipettes, suction pump, cylinders...an aquarium of some fishes and crabs...and oh, I need the refrigerator...a small one would do...loaded with Pepsi, Cadbury, cartons of Iced Tea, some samples that need to be at low temperatures...in short, the bounty of supplies...The pc should be companioned with lots of hardware, junk and useful...with CDs lying everywhere...Well, that’s my den...and I prefer to be alone without any distractions...occasional company is understandable and somehow tolerated...in times of sickness, I can romanticize pessimism like wine savored sip by sip...wrapped in a piece of cloth, wondering if this was heaven...then my pc would ring, and I would just be informed of an alien landing and I can rush to the spot with my backpack riding my bike, shoving a tablet of Nise under my tongue...

I want my studio at the rooftop, where the smell of turpentine oil would enamor me and linseed oil would please and grease the canvas...Brushes of all sizes, with extra large tubes of White and Ultramarine blue...and Prussian blue, and Cobalt blue...The bedroom can have charts of important formulae and theorems hung on the wall...and a big sized skeleton, standing and mocking me at times when I would become totally useless...